With Death and Haunting Song
by the.subverter
Summary: Ashley checks in on Shepard after Kaidan's death. Ashley x Shepard


A/N: I wrote this a few weeks ago. I'm writing a Shep/Traynor story. Ash gets killed in it. Regardless, I debated it and considered killing Kaidan. Ultimately I didn't but my imagination got carried away. I ended up making the Shepard a renegade (renegade!) for this and so this smut (one shot) was born. I don't even ship these two. I'm not even a big Ashley fan. Why do I do these things?

* * *

"How are you doing, Skipper?"

Ashley leans into the doorway before entering, the automatic door sliding shut behind her. Ashley has never visited her quarters, though Shepard suspects they're both aware of the undercurrent of sexual tension that runs between them. Ashley is ever the soldier, sometimes thoughtless and brash but not wanting to further shame her family. She is clear on protocol and fraternization.

"I'm still processing."

"Yeah? If it was me I'd be in some dive, getting plastered." She looks around the room. "You shouldn't have saved me, ma'am."

"Don't question my decisions." Shepard takes a deep breath. It was her decision to let Kaidan go but it burns. She thought she'd numbed herself to those emotions.

"I thought you might want to talk about him, Maybe that's the last thing you need." Ashley moves closer. "What can I do for you?"

"I wasn't expecting a Florence Nightingale routine."

"Hey, just because I can drink your ass under the table and piece a Katana VII together blindfolded doesn't mean I can't care. I thought you knew me better than that."

"Yeah." Shepard watches her. She could tell Ashley how hard this is for her but Ash has enough on her mind right now. "Nothing personal, Williams."

"Getting all formal on me now? What happened to "move your fat ass, Ash!" or "is that a pea shooter or a gun? Pull your head out of your ass and shoot!'"

Shepard smiles grimly. "That's just my way of saying I care."

"With all due respect, ma'am—"

"Kiss your ass?"

Ashley smirks. "It could use some practice." she bumps her shoulders against Shepard's. "Nothing should make me smile this soon. Fuck. I'm alive. I should be miserable for penance."

"What makes you think you aren't? One laugh? We stop smiling for all the soldiers we've lost and we'll never smile again."

"That'd be a shame."

"Yeah."

They look at each other. Ashley ducks her head. "If we're ever in Vancouver we could visit his parents."

"I know I made the decision, I know who's at fault but— I don't know if I could bear facing them." She considers. "Fuck it. I owe them that, at least."

"The commander has a heart. Who knew?" she waits. "I keep thinking I ought to do something really great. You gave me this opportunity-, but should I have it if I didn't have that great thing in the works already?"

"If you're planning out every step of your life you're not doing much living at all."

"I prefer doing to planning. Maybe that makes me a bad soldier."

"You think outside the box, Williams. That makes you resourceful."

"Why me?"

Shepard doesn't make her clarify. "I already told you not to question my decisions. You're not too good at listening."

"Sorry, Commander. I'm having— some trouble with all of this."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah. Don't worry, ma'am. I'm going to focus on the mission."

"That's good. But you've got to take care of yourself, too. You're no good to anybody if you're not clear headed."

"Roger."

"There's no time for leave. Hell, there's not even time for a shrink –"

"I've got this, Commander," she says sharply. "Didn't I come here to check on you?"

Shepard smiles wryly. "Things don't always go according to plan."

"That would make life damn boring. But a hell of a lot more bearable."

"Something tells me that you're not suited for boring, Williams."

"Yeah? You've looked at my service record."

"The crap jobs? Yeah. Hopefully this mission with Saren and the Reapers is enough to make up for that."

"More than enough." She looks at her. "I…never really thanked you for letting me come onboard the Normandy. I could have been stationed anywhere. You gave me a chance."

"You earned it."

"Even though I got my whole squad killed?"

"That wasn't you. That was Saren. That was the Reapers and the Geth. You're a good soldier."

"When you say it like that, Skipper, I almost believe it. There's something about you… that makes me believe anything is possible." She averts her eyes. "It's late. I should get going."

"Stay."

Ashley looks at her quizzically. "Is that an order?"

Shepard considers whether it's proper to abuse her power. "It's an order."

"You're not giving me a lot of options."

"No point otherwise." Shepard kisses her. Ashley's lips are full, surprisingly soft. Ashley glowers. She smolders. Shepard kisses her again.

"Skipper—" Ashley says. Shepard cuts her off. Ashley grabs a fistful of Shepard's shirt, pushing and then yanking her close, returning the kiss heatedly. Shepard slides a hand up her back, to her neck, pulling her hair loose. Ashley grabs Shepard's wrist and shoves it down onto the bed before pushing Shepard down. "It kills you to let anyone else have even a little bit of control, doesn't it?"

Shepard reaches up, running her fingers through her hair, pushing it out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. "Other people would screw it up."

"You're cocky here, too?" She straddles her. "I bet everyone lets you have your way." Shepard watches her unbuckle her belt, unbutton her pants, pull the zipper down. Her voice lowers. "I've thought of this."

"Me too." Shepard rises to connect their lips. "Touch me." Ashley shoves her down. She pushes Shepard's shirt up kisses her flat, toned stomach, licking it. Shepard closes her eyes. She moans softly. Ashley takes hold of her pants and yanks them down. Shepard rips Ashley's shirt off. Her fingers graze the black bra. "Didn't figure you for the lace type."

"Even tomboys like to be girly now and then," Ashley watches Shepard's hands as they cup her breasts, undo the bra, bring one of her pert nipples to her mouth. She sighs. "Oh, Skipper…" She closes her eyes, tilting her head back. She threads her fingers through Shepard's hair, bringing her closer. Shepard undoes Ashley's pants, sliding her hand in. "Ah—wait—"

Shepard looks at her. For once, the cocky Gunnery Chief looks uncertain. Her brown eyes flick away. In the end she can't meet Shepard's eyes. "I've…never done this before. Never really thought about it either—until you came along. I'm not a dyke."

"You sounded like one a minute ago." Shepard says. Ashley isn't in the mood for games. She reaches for her shirt. Shepard catches her arm. "Slow down. It was a joke."

"We both know it wasn't."

"Look… there's a first time for everything. There's no use denying that we have something between us. Ever since we laid eyes on each other—we've been curious." She kisses her jaw. "Don't deny it."

She breathes shakily. "This isn't why you saved me, is it?"

"I didn't kill off a close friend so I could fuck you, Williams," her voice is lethal. "Is that who you think I am?"

"Not sure who you are, ma'am." She runs her fingers over her face. "I guess I'm still trying to make sense of things."

"Sometimes you can't. Sometimes things just happen. Things just _are_."

"Am I ever going to make sense of you?"

Shepard pulls Ashley's hands from her face. "Only one way to find out. Everything takes time. Hunting rogue Spectres doesn't allow much time for getting to know one another." She slides her hands along Ashley's sides. She meets her gaze. "We don't have to fuck. You can go. We can talk. Or kiss." She smirks. "Make love."

"Something funny about the last?"

"I just happen to do a really good job of pissing you off." She settles her hands on Ashley's waist and pulls her closer. "But I'm not opposed."

"Anyone ever tell you you're a bit of a bitch sometimes?"

Shepard laces their fingers. "Always." She kisses her neck, finds her mouth. Ashley groans softly. Shepard pushes her on her back. She continues until Ashley becomes a nervous, but enthusiastic participant. When she slips her fingers into Ashley, she gasps. She's ready, taking her deep. Their eyes meet, Ashley's fingertips on Shepard's face, her hard, rasping breaths, making them both flush.

Ashley grinds her center against Shepard's hands, swearing under her breath. Shepard smiles but Ashley closes her eyes, hips bucking against her before stilling. Shepard breathes just as hard.

Ashley opens her eyes, satisfied and guilty. "We're supposed to be mourning."

"We are. Everyone does it differently. Kaidan would appreciate the show."

"You're awful." Ashley faces her, running her hand along Shepard's abdomen. "We shouldn't have done that."

"Are you telling me you didn't like it?" Shepard asks. Ashley looks away. "We don't have to feel guilty for taking comfort. It's all right, Ash. Trust me. You and I have a good thing going on here."

"What do you want?"

"You know what I want. Who I want. Fuck, Ash. If you want to go, go."

Ashley looks at her a long time. Tentatively, she presses closer.


End file.
